Iowa Hate: Huffington Post: 'A tiny Midwestern state ... gets to decide'

I could get all eastcoasty on you folks and point out that all the Huffington Post does is steal news from other people for the most part, but that'd be just mean. Instead, I'll point out how their writer is unnecessarily unfair to Iowa, and Iowans, for no reason other than to just be mean.

First, the offense:

At a time when the shambling economy dominates the national political debate, a tiny Midwestern state little harmed by the Great Recession gets to decide who will lead the discussion.

The offenders: Arthur Delaney, a reporter for the HuffPost based in Washington, D.C., and -- more egregiously -- Tyler Kingkade, who is from Des Moines! Which of course goes to show that you leave Iowa, you bad mouth it to fit in. Don't put this all on Kingkade, however; he's only got 130 "likes" on Facebook compared to Delaney's "1K"-plus, meaning Delaney has probably been at HuffPo longer than Kingkade, or at least works on more stories for the newsstealer, and is therefore likely the senior "reporter" for this story and probably made most of the decisions on the direction of the story and the lead and whatnot.

So enough of that. Let's break it down.

"A tiny Midwestern state" -- Iowa, according to the U.S. Census, is the 30th most populous state in the United States. So, if you were to ask us if we're in the "big" half or the "tiny" half of the United States, OK, I'll give you that we're in the tiny half. But we're certainly not the tiniest.

But the writers insist that we're a "tiny Midwestern state," which seems to mean, to my Iowa brain, tiny compared to other Midwestern states. Let's compare:

Illinois: 12,830,632 (5th)
Ohio: 11,536,504 (7th)
Indiana: 6,483,802 (15th)
Missouri: 5,988,927 (18th)
Wisconsin: 5,686,986 (20th)
Minnesota: 5,303,925 (21st)
Iowa: 3,046,355 (30th)
Kansas: 2,853,116 (33rd)
Nebraska: 1,826,341 (38th)
South Dakota: 814,180 (46th)
North Dakota: 672,591 (48th)


So, yeah, I mean, I ain't a statistician or nothin', but how is that not the heck right in the middle, there? We sure ain't the tiniest.

And I ain't hatin' on North Dakota, neither. (I feel for y'all, being that "Fargo" pretty much happened in Minnesota and the accents in that movie were stupider-n-heck, Cohen brothers be damned.) Even if we WERE the tiniest Midwestern state, what're you saying? You saying we can't be decidin' on things if we don't have the biggest population? If the first-in-the-nation political caucuses were held in Rhode Island or Alaska, would they not deserve it? Cause, you know, there's less of 'em, and all? And therefore, because they don't see fit to pack their people into sardine cans they like to call high-rise buildings and projects, they don't count?

Psh. Shaddup with your "tiny" this and "tiny" that, or we'll think you're overcompensating for somethin'.

"Little harmed by the Great Recession" -- I mean, I don't wanna do your jobs over there for you at HuffPost, but if you're gonna straight up lie about us, I gotta set the facts straight. (Also, that's kind of what I do here.)

If by "little harmed" you mean there haven't been hundreds of closures and thousands of mass layoffs nearly ever quarter, or that initial unemployment claims, number of unemployed and the amount of unemployment paid by the state aren't up, or that existing home sales haven't been trending either close to or worse than trends elsewhere, or that construction weekly earnings aren't down, you're incorrect, Misters Delaney and (Turncoat) Kingkade.

And if by "little harmed" you mean we didn't have an almost paralyzing standoff between our state legislators regarding a budget deal, an act that very closely mirrored what would later play out at the federal level, you weren't paying attention.

Don't you love caucus time, Iowans? A time when candidates for president tromp through the corners and cities of our fair state, proclaiming their "love," while the national media (HuffPost, be glad I'm including you in "media") tromps after them, stuffing their faces with fried butter on a stick and tweeting all about the "small town charm" and other such code words that really mean "oh, geez, Iowa gets all this attention and they don't REALLY deserve it, because TINY! Also, stuff on a stick at the Fair! And country music! Blerggh! It's summer and I'd rather be spending it at my Martha's Vineyard beach house! Not with these weirdos sitting on a porch! Can this be DONE already! Except, paychecks! Pass that fried Twinkie, please!"

We're onto you. We may not say much, but we're thinking it. And right about now, we're thinking, "oh geez, another bunch of braggarts thinkin' they're gonna be President! Bunch of nutcases! What's that? I get to meet them all, thereby allowing my vote to actually be influenced by a REAL person instead of a soundbite or two? Oh. Yeah. I want to keep that going. Because, democracy, and all. Pass that fried Twinkie, please!"

So. "Gets to decide who will lead the discussion?" Yeah. That's the most important part to us. Because, yeah, politicians are all a bunch of blowhard crazy people, but they -- and this is the key part -- actually treat Iowans, if only once every four years, like we MATTER. Like we're PEOPLE with OPINIONS that should be VALUED. Unlike some HuffPo reporters I may or may not have previously mentioned.

And, you know what? We deserve to be valued. Because, unlike some parts of the country we could name, we're a pretty politically diverse set of people, with opinions grounded in reality, because nobody likes to be a blowhard around here. We fancy ourselves to be rational, reasonable people, who can think and vote for themselves and who like to have ONE LITTLE TINY SLIVER OF DIGNITY ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS OR SO.

So would you let us have it?

'K, thanks.