What's wrong with Iowa?

(NOTE: Originally posted Oct. 2007 in my Facebook notes. Indicative of my writing style/attitude at that time. Came across it today and found it relevant, in light of the Bloom fiasco.)

Being from Iowa, and being young, I’m often asked two questions that, when asked together, seem ridiculous. They are:

1) Why is there such a brain drain (i.e. smart people leaving the state), and what can we do to stop it?
2) What the hell are you still doing here?/Why did you move back?/You’re from Iowa?

Interesting, if enigmatic.

I believe these two questions answer themselves. I’m not sure if it’s technically a catch-22, but it’s most assuredly a chicken-before-the-egg scenario: You should leave to get better employment, but you should stay so we have better employees.

Most kids growing up in my generation, if their parents had the good fortune to actually choose to live in Iowa, were likely indoctrinated into this kind of hypocritical thought process (Go to the bigger cities for better jobs, better quality of life, etc.). Then these kids get to be my age and are asked, “Why are you leaving?”

There’s talk of incentives; higher incomes, more large employers locating in Iowa, promoting our quality of life in the rural/small town areas. Sen. Bill Dotzler even told me of an idea floating around Iowa Senate committees involving some type of incentive for an increase in arts and cultural centers and activities; the idea sprung from a book hypothesis arguing businesses are attracted to vibrant, hip communities.

Without attacking or disproving any of these notions (and many of them, arguably, could improve Iowa life), it’s not the exterior we need to worry about changing to get people to stop leaving and start arriving. To the extent I sound like a certain politician, we need to win hearts and minds. And we don’t just need to worry about changing people’s attitudes outside our state (which would be a much more difficult, if not impossible, task). We need to change the minds of our children growing up today who are going to our schools, enjoying our museums and parks and community pools --- who are all the while being told that to get ahead in life, they need to get the hell out of the Midwest.

If there’s one amazing thing I learned from talking to people from all over the world at RAGBRAI, it’s that people say the exact same thing about us when they come here: “Iowans are so friendly.” If the economic director or tourism bureau wants a catchphrase, get a picture of some athletic cyclists riding by Iowa yards, where Iowans sit in their lawn chairs, smiling and waving as they ride by, and blow that phrase up and plaster it on the top of that photo.

But here’s the thing: You can’t escape who you are. It took me a while to face the fact that most of Iowa truly is like the stereotype: full of small, farming towns with a lot of church-going white people. If you feel like you’re looking in a mirror when you hear that, you’ll love Iowa. But if you’re not, or prefer to be surrounded by a bit more diversity, there are places like that for you here, too. I live in one of them, Waterloo, and it and several other metropolitan statistical areas in the state cracks the stereotypes – Des Moines, Iowa City, Cedar Rapids, etc. But none are exactly brimming with diversity, or have exceptionally more places to work or things to do than, say, the other 49 states.

The Minneapolis band Atmosphere tries to take on the status quo mindset with “Say Shh.” ('Shh' refers to what you say to those who would criticize your humble roots.) The lyrics extol those who choose to live, or return to, the Midwest, because it’s where your “mom stays”:

“If your playgrounds are clear of stems and syringes, say ‘shh,’ say ‘shh.’
If there’s only one store in your town that sells 12-inchers, say ‘shh,’ say ‘shh.’”

Fair enough. We don’t have abundant sex stores or rampant drug use (provided, of course, we exclude alcohol, marijuana and methamphetamines). But we also don’t provide a state that proves appealing among the master’s- and doctorate-degree crowd. And the only thing that’s rampant is the flight of that crowd to decidedly-more drug-and-sex-store infested places, if only to get employment opportunities and whatever else they feel will give them a more satisfactory life than Iowa promises.

I don’t blame them. Not one bit. I may live in Iowa today, but if given the chance to move out tomorrow, I wouldn’t think twice about leaving the state that raised me, educated me, provided me with recreational opportunities and allowed me to develop a trust and friendliness with strangers for no other reason than to be polite.

Why, you may ask? Lured by the big-city life, by the endless entertainment possibilities, fine dining, a place where fringe groups are allowed to come out in the open, where I could sport my hippie-wear without being shunned or laughed at?

Nah. I can flip through the Courier any Thursday and find an abundance of live shows, karaoke, poetry slams, sports, recreation and festivals. There’s plenty of restaurants, both find and not-so-fine, that I still haven’t found the time to frequent. And I definitely wear skirts and head wraps on occasion, and my coworkers and friends treat me just the same. Maybe there aren’t too many people willing to flaunt whatever life or style they’ve got going on, but maybe I also haven’t been keeping my eye out for them. Either way, it’s not a dealbreaker, cause I know they’re out there.

My point is, these all exist where I stay. Maybe just not in amounts that are captivating to some.

But if politicians, business owners, venture capitalists and others think all it takes for people to move here is more businesses, they’re wrong. A recent study reported more than 100,000 jobs, especially in high-paying, high-tech fields, will all be up for grabs in the next 10 years – and no one will be around to fill them. Sen. Dotzler says this is already a problem; around the state, approximately 10,000 positions have yet to be filled by qualified employees, a situation he classifies as “alarming.” It’s not a lack of high-paying jobs that’s the problem here.

Which brings me back to question number one. What IS the problem, if not employment? And it also brings me back to the answer that’s most troubling – changing hearts and minds. We can’t just tell our kids that Iowa’s great, because if they’ve been other places, they know they’re great, too.

So here’s the question I at last pose to you: What is it that MAKES Iowa, if not better, than just as good? And what would make you decide to stay?

Iowa Hate: Huffington Post: 'A tiny Midwestern state ... gets to decide'

I could get all eastcoasty on you folks and point out that all the Huffington Post does is steal news from other people for the most part, but that'd be just mean. Instead, I'll point out how their writer is unnecessarily unfair to Iowa, and Iowans, for no reason other than to just be mean.

First, the offense:

At a time when the shambling economy dominates the national political debate, a tiny Midwestern state little harmed by the Great Recession gets to decide who will lead the discussion.

The offenders: Arthur Delaney, a reporter for the HuffPost based in Washington, D.C., and -- more egregiously -- Tyler Kingkade, who is from Des Moines! Which of course goes to show that you leave Iowa, you bad mouth it to fit in. Don't put this all on Kingkade, however; he's only got 130 "likes" on Facebook compared to Delaney's "1K"-plus, meaning Delaney has probably been at HuffPo longer than Kingkade, or at least works on more stories for the newsstealer, and is therefore likely the senior "reporter" for this story and probably made most of the decisions on the direction of the story and the lead and whatnot.

So enough of that. Let's break it down.

"A tiny Midwestern state" -- Iowa, according to the U.S. Census, is the 30th most populous state in the United States. So, if you were to ask us if we're in the "big" half or the "tiny" half of the United States, OK, I'll give you that we're in the tiny half. But we're certainly not the tiniest.

But the writers insist that we're a "tiny Midwestern state," which seems to mean, to my Iowa brain, tiny compared to other Midwestern states. Let's compare:

Illinois: 12,830,632 (5th)
Ohio: 11,536,504 (7th)
Indiana: 6,483,802 (15th)
Missouri: 5,988,927 (18th)
Wisconsin: 5,686,986 (20th)
Minnesota: 5,303,925 (21st)
Iowa: 3,046,355 (30th)
Kansas: 2,853,116 (33rd)
Nebraska: 1,826,341 (38th)
South Dakota: 814,180 (46th)
North Dakota: 672,591 (48th)


So, yeah, I mean, I ain't a statistician or nothin', but how is that not the heck right in the middle, there? We sure ain't the tiniest.

And I ain't hatin' on North Dakota, neither. (I feel for y'all, being that "Fargo" pretty much happened in Minnesota and the accents in that movie were stupider-n-heck, Cohen brothers be damned.) Even if we WERE the tiniest Midwestern state, what're you saying? You saying we can't be decidin' on things if we don't have the biggest population? If the first-in-the-nation political caucuses were held in Rhode Island or Alaska, would they not deserve it? Cause, you know, there's less of 'em, and all? And therefore, because they don't see fit to pack their people into sardine cans they like to call high-rise buildings and projects, they don't count?

Psh. Shaddup with your "tiny" this and "tiny" that, or we'll think you're overcompensating for somethin'.

"Little harmed by the Great Recession" -- I mean, I don't wanna do your jobs over there for you at HuffPost, but if you're gonna straight up lie about us, I gotta set the facts straight. (Also, that's kind of what I do here.)

If by "little harmed" you mean there haven't been hundreds of closures and thousands of mass layoffs nearly ever quarter, or that initial unemployment claims, number of unemployed and the amount of unemployment paid by the state aren't up, or that existing home sales haven't been trending either close to or worse than trends elsewhere, or that construction weekly earnings aren't down, you're incorrect, Misters Delaney and (Turncoat) Kingkade.

And if by "little harmed" you mean we didn't have an almost paralyzing standoff between our state legislators regarding a budget deal, an act that very closely mirrored what would later play out at the federal level, you weren't paying attention.

Don't you love caucus time, Iowans? A time when candidates for president tromp through the corners and cities of our fair state, proclaiming their "love," while the national media (HuffPost, be glad I'm including you in "media") tromps after them, stuffing their faces with fried butter on a stick and tweeting all about the "small town charm" and other such code words that really mean "oh, geez, Iowa gets all this attention and they don't REALLY deserve it, because TINY! Also, stuff on a stick at the Fair! And country music! Blerggh! It's summer and I'd rather be spending it at my Martha's Vineyard beach house! Not with these weirdos sitting on a porch! Can this be DONE already! Except, paychecks! Pass that fried Twinkie, please!"

We're onto you. We may not say much, but we're thinking it. And right about now, we're thinking, "oh geez, another bunch of braggarts thinkin' they're gonna be President! Bunch of nutcases! What's that? I get to meet them all, thereby allowing my vote to actually be influenced by a REAL person instead of a soundbite or two? Oh. Yeah. I want to keep that going. Because, democracy, and all. Pass that fried Twinkie, please!"

So. "Gets to decide who will lead the discussion?" Yeah. That's the most important part to us. Because, yeah, politicians are all a bunch of blowhard crazy people, but they -- and this is the key part -- actually treat Iowans, if only once every four years, like we MATTER. Like we're PEOPLE with OPINIONS that should be VALUED. Unlike some HuffPo reporters I may or may not have previously mentioned.

And, you know what? We deserve to be valued. Because, unlike some parts of the country we could name, we're a pretty politically diverse set of people, with opinions grounded in reality, because nobody likes to be a blowhard around here. We fancy ourselves to be rational, reasonable people, who can think and vote for themselves and who like to have ONE LITTLE TINY SLIVER OF DIGNITY ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS OR SO.

So would you let us have it?

'K, thanks.

An Introduction to My Humble Iowa Blog

Well golly gee willikers, folks, looks like I done finally got around to figuring out the ol' Intertubular Web and made m'self a lil' blog!

Or is that too tech-y for the folks in Flyover Country?

Let me put it to ya plain, 'cause we are in a major recession, and folks ain't got too much time interrupting their job searches to read too much of my jabber:

I'm tired of the hate. Specifically, the hate toward Iowa, the Midwest and just about anywheres that ain't New York City and Washington, D.C. and Los Angeles (and they hate D.C. and L.A., too, so I hear).

Now, if you're from Iowa, or lived here for any amount of time, you know how we operate. We're not proud. We're humble. We don't like to promote ourselves too much for fear of being seen as a braggart or too big for our britches. And when people from the coasts put us down in the press, well, we just tell ourselves they don't know as much as they like to let on, pull our hats a little further down, and keep on walkin'.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm plum tired of it. Tired of defending my state when I travel. Tired of correcting people on the street in bigger cities. Tired of people trying to tell me I live on a farm (never have), that I have an accent (does Johnny Carson have a damn accent?), that I've never known anything but corn, that I only wear comfortable shoes, that I can't know fashion or exotic travel or sushi or good seafood or tall buildings or city life or the ways of the world... you get the picture. Iowans are uncultured, "big-boned," unaware, unfit for political decision-making, farm-living, backwards rural hicks. At best, we're quaint. At worst, we're ... well, everything they can think up.

Are you sick of it yet? Aren't you tired of constantly having to prove you're cultured, despite wearing an Iowa Hawkeyes t-shirt to a New York steak place (like they even HAVE "New York" steaks, psh)? Aren't you sick of the incredulous looks when you mention having listened to Vampire Weekend, despite the fact that you possibly live in a place where horses used to graze? Isn't it time to say enough's enough?

I am. It is. And the time's now.

So call up Mediacom and order some more bandwidth, 'cause you're gonna need it for this blog. I'm a one-woman crew on a mission to dismantle everything you've heard and can no longer stomach about our state.

Maybe it's not even your state. Maybe you, too, identify with being called "uncultured" or a "hick" or a "redneck." Hell, you don't have to live in Iowa to know that, except for a privileged few, most of us get the short shaft when it comes to people misidentifying us, misleading others and generally making it harder for us to hold our heads up high.

That changes today. I'll be documenting media and non-media examples of Iowa Hate that's plain unfair and untrue, and I'll also be bringing to you examples of Iowa Love -- basically what makes me proud to have been born, raised and lived most of my life in this great state. The purpose of this blog is to give us back our dignity, show the truth about this state. And you know there's a lot to be proud of. Some folks just don't want us to know about it.

I may be on a mission, but I'll need some comrades along the way to help out. Send all Iowa Hate and Iowa Love to amzpoet@gmail.com. Heck, I'll even credit you with sending it my way if your little heart desires.

And don't forget the most important thing: Haters gonna hate.

Love 'em back.